So, thru the eyes, love attains the heart
For the eyes are the scouts of the heart
And the eyes go reconnoitering for
What it would please the heart to possess
And when they are in full accord, firm
All in one resolve, at that time,
Perfect love is born from what the eyes
Have made welcome to the heart.
12th century troubadour’s song
JOSEPH CAMPBELL, THE POWER OF MYTH
Just one look, that’s all it took.
DORIS TROY, 1956
Conversations
Without Words
Most of us are slightly afraid as well as somewhat excited in settings where social interaction is expected and required. So, most people do not sit or stand in an open posture. But, during courtship, the more open the other person’s posture is, the more open that person is to you and your advances.
OPEN AND CLOSED
If you’re wide open while sitting, your posture is similar to Abe Lincoln’s in the Lincoln Memorial. Your feet are flat on the floor. Your hands are relaxed, not clenching anything. And, you’re not holding a drink in front of yourself as a symbolic barrier.
While standing, you’re open when your hands are not in your pockets. You are not leaning against anything. Your feet are flat on the floor. And, your drink is not in front of you.
OPEN AND CLOSED When the person’s posture is open, he’s open to you, your ideas, and possibly your advances. In the left photo, notice that although he’s smiling, he is gripping his knee tightly indicating he’s controlling himself. Also notice the beer can is held high in front as a barrier. In the right picture, both feet are firmly planted on the ground indicating he is sincere. Notice that his arms are down and that his hands are open and relaxed, signs of openness and sincerity. His head is slightly tilted and he’s leaning a bit forward. Both indicate interest.
MIRROR, MIRROR
This topic applies to a man approaching and interacting with a woman just as it obviously applies the other way ’round. In body language jargon, it’s called mirroring.
If you’re in the same emotional place as the other person, your posture is the mirror image theirs. It also can mean that you are interested in each other.
MIRRORING These people are sitting in almost exactly the same position, so they are about in the same place emotionally. But, notice she’s holding onto her shin and does not have her foot completely flat on the floor. The man must take his time until she’s more open and relaxed.
When you notice the other person is standing or sitting in about the same manner as you are, he, or she, is in about the same emotional place. During courtship, subconsciously, all of us tend to adopt the same posture as the person we are interested in.
When talking with someone we are attracted to, we usually mirror them. More fascinating, we often mirror somebody we are interested even if that person is across the room and we are stuck talking with a bore! One more time. You cannot not communicate.
RAISE YOUR AWARENESS
Pay attention when you are at a party. Lots of people always gather in the kitchen. Look around. Notice if anyone is mirroring another person’s body language. They may be interested in each other, then again, they could simply be in the same emotional state. Look for other signals to confirm or deny the interest you suspect. At the same time, consciously adopt the body language of the person you’d like to meet and talk with.
FIRST CONVERSATION SIGNALS
Men, pay attention to all the ways she communicates during the first few minutes as you talk with her. Women, let him know what you want.
Nearly all of these signals apply to both men and women. The ones that apply only to women are indicated by italics.
KEEP TALKING MOVE ON
Alert, energetic Tense, restless
Pupils dilated Normal or small pupils
Gradually opens posture Posture remains closed
Lowers drink Keeps drink high
Touches self gently Grips or pinches self
Caresses objects Squeezes, taps objects
Crosses and uncrosses legs Legs remain crossed
Flashes of palm Back of hand gestures
Crossed legs steady Swings crossed legs
Dangles shoe on toe Keeps shoe on
Hands never touch face Touches face
Touches you any reason Never touches you
Feet firmly on floor Feet on edges or toes
Loosens anything Tightens anything
Leans forward Leans away
Steady hands, feet Tapping, drumming
ALERT, ENERGETIC
Ready for action with you. Contrast with relaxed, casual postures when sitting or standing. Especially positive and revealing when the person shifts from casual to alert during the conversation.
GRADUALLY OPENS POSTURE
In social settings, most of us start out in a closed, defensive posture because we’re a bit apprehensive. A closed posture feels safe. When the person you are talking with shifts to a more open posture, it signifies trust and comfort. That person is, literally, opening up to you and what you have to offer.
LOWERS DRINK
Most people in social settings hold a drink in front of themselves as a barrier. When the person you are talking with lowers his, or her, drink, the barrier between you is coming down. As always, it is most effective if you lower your drink first. The other person often follows your lead.
CARESSES OBJECTS
If done sensually, it usually means the person wants to caress you or wants you to caress them.
CARESSING A GLASS The most common object fondled is a drink. Women tend to stroke the glass up and down. Men usually run a finger around the lip. The symbolism is obvious.Caution! Occasionally, when a woman touches something sensitively, it can be a subtle signal for reassurance. Subconsciously, she may want you to gently reassure her. You may be too close physically or you’re talking about a topic that makes her anxious. Move back and change the subject if you read this gesture as nervousness.
TOUCHES HERSELF
If done in a gentle, sensuous manner it means the same as caressing an object—the person wants to touch you or wants you to touch them. However, this can also be an attempt at reassuring one’s self. It depends on everything that came before. The same caution as above applies.
FLASHES OF PALM She shows you the palm of her hand during conversation in brief flashes. She is making herself submissive and vulnerable. One interpretation is, “My hands are up. I surrender.” Another way of seeing it, “I have no weapon. I won’t hurt you.”
PALM FLASH
Women only. She shows you the palm of her hand during conversation while checking her ear ring or adjusting her hair or gesturing with her hands. This signal is hard to see because it is so brief and it does not appear to be flirting.
Reliable if you can notice it. Focus your awareness on looking for palm flashes ahead of time and you’ll be able to see it or the opposite gesture, described in the photo below.
